Through Integrating Male and Female
So the male/female integration was fairly simple and technical. I was
just attracted again and again and again to these crazy Libra/Scorpio
women. And, those are some damn annoying female manifestations - hot,
but totally unable to commit to anything, even a date, or make their
mind up. Powerful sexual desire from the Scorpio, but undirected and
afraid of taking any form - that being a fundamental Libra quality.
It was, bluntly, driving me nuts. So I'd read my Jung, and had some
tantric technique, and I'd studied psychotherapy as both art and
science, so I figured that I'd just, well, manifest whatever I was
looking for from these girls internally within myself. I figured it
couldn't just be sex, or I'd be drawn towards people who I was more
likely to get laid by - it had to be something fundamental in their
energy that I was looking to use to fill some kind of lack.
Alchemy, right? Solve et Coagula. But I needed something to solve. So I
went looking for the aspect of myself which was those women: some facet
which was wild and unbridled and sexual and indecisive and neurotic and
insane and open and friendly and welcoming. But mainly hot. And I
discovered that I did have that aspect of me, very strongly: it was who
I had been often in past lives as a woman.
I was attempting to have sex with myself.
So I did: I started to become that aspect of me, in private, in my
meditations. Tried to remember what it had been like, to feel that
energy in myself. With some practice, it became possible to have both
that energy, that wild-female-power and my own somewhat repressed but
strong male energy in my body at the same time.
It took a while, about a year and a half, but using this system in my
masturbatory fantasies eventually balanced the two energies. I became
equally comfortable with either set as "me" but remained as myself in
daily life. Then one day, I began to realize that I could produce an
essentially sexual bliss at will simply by allowing energy transfer to
occur between the two.
I didn't have to be masturbating, or doing the visualizations. It just
was there, any time I wanted it, as much as I would allow! That changed
things!
Wow! That Changed Things!
I could not just feel like a hot girl when I wanted to, but actually
feel like I was both having sex with a hot girl, and feel like I was a
hot girl having sex. Sexual bliss on a plate. To be honest I was pretty
careful not to do too much of the infinite-orgasms thing: I was
more-or-less certain that there would be side effects, I just didn't
know them at the time. I experimented some, but chose not to experience
that as my default state of consciousness.
Instead, I merged them, this male and female, into an old, settled,
married couple: removed the tension of separation and the bliss of
union and allowed a basically independent state to emerge, one where I
no longer needed anybody else's sexual energy as an input to my own, as
is so often the motivation for sex, not just the pleasure, but a direct
energetic rebalancing - young men and women, so strong on one side or
the other of the force, need it to remain psychologically balanced -
not just for pleasure, but to balance the kundalini. So I kinda took
myself out of the game. Girls were still interesting as people, as
friends, but I didn't really need sex any more. I still had
relationships, still had sex and enjoyed it a lot, but my tolerance for
BS had dropped way down because I was no longer psychically dependent
on external sources of feminine energy.
Then I noticed I could catalyze the state in other people, and this
made them a lot more fun to sleep with, because, well... if I went into
the internal bliss, and they did the same thing, then you had these two
bliss being bodies... well...
It Was A Good Thing.
However, without really heavy prior practices, people didn't seem to be
able to hold it, so that again was a relatively short lived
experimental phase. These days I tend to keep the energy down to the
point where I feel a little better than I would without it running, and
don't get entangled in relationships I don't want to, am not
"thunderstruck by these tissues" and am comfortable and happy. I just
don't really have the context to really let loose and I'm not sure that
anybody really does: the celibate, or householder path really does seem
to be more common than wild tantric orgies and with good reason. It's a
lot easier to arrange.
I don't know why it's so hard. It's a shame.
One thing I have noticed, over the years, is that there's a lot of
moral responsibility in being sexually integrated. The ego still has
desires which it projects or which really are inherently in other
people ("really" in ego speak, as it were.) Perhaps I botched the
integration and it should have taken care of a lot more of my emotional
needs, or perhaps those required other integrations which I'm still
working out, who knows? But being able to generate internal sexual
rapture, or manifest very strong, but internally balanced male or
female energy at will, can make one a hell of a manipulator.
If I walk around with the rapture even slightly on, girls take notice
in a way which is both appealing and frightening. Appealing because,
well, it's nice to be noticed, to be wanted. As a guy, being able to
draw looks from stunning women was a massive ego boost. Frightening
because from my perspective, they're moths drawn to a flame which will
certainly not help them much, and quite possibly do them some harm.
They're certainly not going to do the integration practices, and
contact with integrated energy is at that point basically heroin. Da
Free John style addictive sexuality heroin, possibly. Here, honey, get
a lot of my bliss field!!! Now drop 'em.
I just never go there. Not even once, thank god.
I think I'd be opening up a lot of temptation for very little reward:
there's an ego need = residual self esteem issues from my teenage
years, but no actual sexual need. I'd be using sex with out-of-my-class
women to salve a twenty year old wound. Not healing, but only damaging
excess would lie in that direction. Be aware that the internal sexual
integration doesn't automatically free one from all forms of sexual
conditioning and that those other forms can still be woefully dangerous!
